I Felt Guilty Going Back to Work 27 Years Ago. Many Mums Still Do.

The Guilt No One Talks About: Motherhood, Work, and the Moments We Miss

The Guilt Was Real

I went back to work 27 years ago after having my son, and I still remember how heavy that guilt felt. It wasn’t just the anxiety of being away from a baby—it was something deeper. I had no family nearby, my husband’s salary couldn’t cover everything, and staying at home full-time simply wasn’t an option.

My job wasn’t a convenience role—it was technical, male-dominated, full-time, and fast-paced. There were no phased returns or remote days in sight—you either returned fully, or you didn't return at all. And while I loved the work—it provided challenge and purpose—the guilt was sharpened by the contrast between two competing identities.

I felt torn. I wanted to be fully present with my son, but I also needed the stimulation and structure that my job provided. It gave me focus, purpose, and a sense of who I was outside of motherhood. But in 1998, there was no real conversation about work-life balance, no legal right to request flexible working, and certainly no open talk of “mum guilt.” If you wanted to work—and still loved your child—you were often alone in that contradiction.💬 What’s one moment you still carry guilt over?
Whether it’s missing a bedtime or choosing to stay at work a little longer—you're not alone. Share your thoughts in the comments or send it to someone who needs to hear this.

I remember trying to find childcare and asking friends and acquaintances if they knew any reliable childminders. One older lady—a grandmother herself—told me, “I wouldn’t leave my baby with anyone.” It was said gently, but it landed hard. She wasn’t working, and her children had her and her husband as support. That wasn’t my reality. I didn’t have that kind of safety net. And hearing that made me feel, for a moment, like I was doing something wrong just for needing help. That kind of quiet judgement—however unintentional—stayed with me..

Progress in the UK: A Lot Better Than Before — But Guilt Still Lingers

Fast forward to today, and it’s clear that the landscape for working mothers in the UK is a lot better than it was 27 years ago. There’s legal protection in place now. As of 2024, all employees can request flexible working from day one of employment. Shared parental leave is available. Many employers offer remote or hybrid options, phased returns, and structured support for returning parents. In some workplaces, conversations about work-life balance are not just encouraged—they're expected.

For many women, this has made a real difference. There’s more openness, more choices, and more infrastructure than ever before. It’s no longer unusual to talk about reintegration, mental health, or even mum guilt in professional spaces. It’s not perfect, but it’s progress.

So why do so many mums still feel guilty?

Because guilt isn’t just about policies—it’s about people. It’s about what we believe makes a “good mother.” It’s about how we compare ourselves to others. It’s about being praised for resilience, but still quietly judged when we prioritise our own goals. Even with support, many women still feel they have to justify returning to work—especially if they enjoy it. The guilt today is often less about whether we can work, and more about how we feel when we do.

So yes, we’ve come a long way. But the guilt hasn’t vanished. It’s just shifted. And for a lot of mothers, that emotional burden still quietly follows them back to work—no matter how progressive the policy may be.

The Emotional Load: Guilt Today Isn’t Gone

Despite the progress we’ve made in policy and public awareness, many modern mothers still carry a quiet burden. Guilt hasn’t disappeared. It’s just taken on new forms. A 2023 survey from Bright Horizons found that 65% of working mums feel guilty about not spending enough time with their children, even when they feel supported at work [source]. That guilt isn’t necessarily about not loving their children enough; in many cases, it comes from liking their job, needing time to themselves, or wanting something alongside motherhood that gives them a sense of identity.

According to a study by Pregnant Then Screwed, 35% of mothers returning to work said their situation was unsustainable, and nearly half had considered quitting altogether [source]. A separate HR Magazine report revealed that over 50% of working mothers were unhappy with how their return was managed [source].

This isn’t about lack of care—it’s often about lack of nuance. Many workplaces offer policies but miss the emotional transition. That’s where guilt creeps in.

The truth is, even when practical support is there, emotional support often isn’t. And that’s what leaves women wondering: Am I doing the right thing? Am I present enough? Should I be home more? These aren’t always rational questions—they’re emotional ones, shaped by culture, upbringing, social media, and expectations we’ve internalised over time. In that sense, the gap isn’t just between policy and practice—it’s between logic and feeling. And bridging that takes more than a flexible hours form.

Why Guilt Persists: It’s Cultural, Deep, and Still Very Real

Even with progress in rights and flexibility, the guilt that many mothers carry today isn’t always about the practical side of work. It’s not just about missing a bedtime or not making every school pickup. It goes deeper. It’s emotional, cultural, and often internalised over years. And that’s why it’s so hard to shake.

Part of it is the burden of internal expectations. Many women grow up believing they have to be everything to everyone—the dependable worker, the devoted mum, the supportive partner. And when those roles compete, something has to give. Often, it’s time with their children—and that’s where guilt begins to take root.

There’s also the need to prove your worth, especially in male-dominated industries. Even today, women returning from maternity leave often feel pressure to show that they haven’t lost their edge, that they’re still as driven, capable, and competitive as before. That pressure can turn every request for flexibility into a negotiation—not just with the employer, but with themselves.

Then there’s the emotional tension of loving both your job and your child deeply. Society still pushes a subtle narrative that if you really cared, you’d want to be home. So when you enjoy working, or you feel like yourself again after returning, it can come with a layer of quiet guilt—like you’ve betrayed a role you were supposed to fully inhabit.

And underneath it all is the struggle between identity and intimacy—between holding on to who you are as a woman, professional, or creator, and being the kind of parent who’s always physically and emotionally available. This isn’t something that a company policy alone can fix. It’s something that has to be talked about, challenged, and reshaped collectively.

One study found that flexible working can reduce the motherhood wage gap by up to 68% [source]. Yet many mums still hesitate to ask for flexibility because they fear it may reflect badly on their commitment. Others shift to part-time work and then find themselves excluded from career development, bonuses, or leadership tracks—deepening the gap between participation and progress [source].

All of this reinforces one painful message: stepping back, even for good reasons, can still feel like stepping down. And that’s what makes the guilt so hard to reason with—it isn’t always logical. It’s emotional, cultural, and often quietly reinforced in ways we don’t talk about enough.

Globally Speaking: Who’s Doing It Right?

When it comes to balancing work and parenting, some countries are further ahead. Let’s look at a few standout examples and how they compare to the UK:

Sweden: Offers up to 480 days of paid parental leave per child, with 90 days reserved for each parent to encourage shared responsibility. Parents can also reduce working hours until their child turns eight.Parental Leave Around the World:

A Quick Comparison

Curious how other countries support working parents? Here’s a quick look with links to learn more:

Iceland: Provides six months of leave for each parent, paid at 80% of earnings, and leave must be used or lost. This has led to over 90% of fathers taking their full leave.

Finland: Recently overhauled its policy to offer 160 days of leave per parent, with more flexibility around how time is shared.

Spain and Poland: Top the EU rankings for leave generosity and length, with strong state funding and protection for both parents.

New Zealand: Offers 26 weeks of paid parental leave and has a culture that supports return-to-work transitions through government and employer initiatives.

Singapore: From 2025, Singapore will mandate 30 weeks of paid leave for both parents, representing a huge step toward equality and shared responsibility.

In comparison, the UK currently offers 52 weeks of maternity leave, but only 39 weeks are paid—and not always at full salary. Shared parental leave is available, but uptake remains low, particularly among fathers, due to cultural and financial barriers.

What sets many of these countries apart isn’t just the length of leave, but the cultural attitudes that go with it. In Nordic countries, it’s normal for men to take extended time off. In others, flexible working isn’t a bonus—it’s an expectation. These systems make it easier for parents to share care and return to work without guilt or fear of career loss.

For the UK, continuing to improve means not just offering time—but supporting what that time represents: trust, shared responsibility, and a belief that parenthood and professionalism can co-exist. Countries with strong paternal leave and low penalty for part-time work show better gender equality and less penalty for mothers .

Employers: Why Flexible Doesn’t Mean Less Profitable - 

Why It Makes Business Sense

Many leaders fear that flexible working will hurt productivity. But the data tells another story:

• Stanford Business School found remote/flexible workers were 21% more productive Stanford/McKinsey study
• A Forbes council found 67% of women would stay in their jobs if they had flexible hours .Forbes Council
• In the UK, companies that embrace family-friendly policies see a £23 billion gain in productivity and retention UK employer data
• Research links work-life reconciliation policies to higher motivation, lower absenteeism, and better performance Policy research
• Nine out of ten employees in supported companies say they perform more meaningful work when parents receive childcare assistance parents.com.

Flexible work doesn’t just help parents—it drives business value and bottom-line results.

Balancing Profit & Parental Support: The Sweet Spot

So how do we implement flexibility and protect profitability?

1. Set clear performance expectations
   Focus on output, not presenteeism.
2. Train managers
   Encourage solution-based conversations for flexibility requests .
3. Normalize flexible roles
   Job ads, onboarding, and culture should signal that flexible or part-time working is welcome.
4. Family support programs
   Childcare subsidies, job-sharing, and back-up care increase retention and productivity thetimes.co.ukparents.com+1en.wikipedia.org+1.
5. Peer support networks
   “Returner” programmes or mentoring reduce stress and improve retention.
6. Track results and ROI
   Monitor retention, absenteeism, gender pay gap, and performance metrics.

So Where Does That Leave Us?

We’ve come a long way since I walked back into that hard hat site. Policy changes are real—but emotion and culture lag behind. Guilt is still there. And not just guilt for missing moments—but guilt for wanting challenge, discovery, and identity.

The best examples—Nordic countries, Singapore’s new law—show how to build frameworks that balance identity, family, and equality. Employers who embed empathy and flexibility don’t just keep parents—they thrive by keeping talent.

Let’s Talk About Us

Because let’s be honest—most working mums aren’t weighed down by logistics. They’re haunted by the feeling of missing moments. The ache of walking away while your baby cries, or rushing through bedtime because work ran late. These ideas won’t erase the pain—but they can help bridge the gap between presence and absence in a more human way.

Even now, decades after returning to work myself, I still remember the weight of that guilt. I see new mums navigating the same feelings, and I often think back to those early days—what I wish had been different, and what I wish I could have done more of. Back then, one thing that helped ease the guilt (even briefly) was arranging childcare near my workplace. It meant I could visit during lunch breaks, just to see my baby for a few minutes. But that choice came at a cost—literally. I had to give something else up financially to make it work. And eventually, It became sustainable.

That’s why we need to rethink how support can look. Some larger organisations used to offer onsite crèches or shared nursery spaces, and while many shut down due to cost concerns, isn’t it time to revisit that idea? What if local employers in the same area pooled resources to offer a small, shared nursery facility? It’s not impossible—it’s just not prioritised.

What Help Is Already Available for Returning Mums in the UK

What’s Available Now in the UK

While emotional guilt still weighs heavy for many working mums, there are legal rights and practical policies in place designed to support your return to work. Here's what’s available right now:

• Statutory Maternity Leave You’re entitled to up to 52 weeks of maternity leave — 26 weeks of Ordinary Maternity Leave and 26 weeks of Additional Maternity Leave. You don’t have to take the full 52 weeks, but you must take at least 2 weeks after your baby is born (4 if you work in a factory)
• Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) If eligible, you’ll receive 90% of your average weekly earnings (before tax) for the first 6 weeks, then £184.03 or 90% of your average weekly earnings (whichever is lower) for the next 33 weeks.
• Shared Parental Leave You and your partner may be able to share up to 50 weeks of leave and 37 weeks of pay. This can help you split caregiving more evenly
• Right to Request Flesxible Working (From Day One)   As of April 2024, any employee can request flexible working from the first day of their job. Employers must respond in a timely and reasonable manner, though they can still refuse under specific grounds
• Keeping in Touch (KIT) Days During maternity leave, you can work up to 10 paid days without affecting your maternity pay. This can ease the transition back.
• Tax-Free Childcare Working parents may qualify for up to £2,000 per year, per child towards childcare costs.
• Free Early Years Childcare In England, all 3- and 4-year-olds are entitled to 15 hours of free childcare per week, increasing to 30 hours for eligible working families.
  

Can We Eliminate the Guilt?

Could working mums today fully eliminate the guilt? Honestly, I’m not sure. But we can reduce it. For example:

• Childcare near work: Whether employer-provided or independently sourced, it allows parents to feel closer and more connected during the day.
• Flexible hours + remote-first roles: If mums could work primarily from home—without career penalties—it would relieve pressure and support presence at home.
• Shared nurseries: Businesses in office hubs could collaborate to create affordable childcare pods for local staff.
• Paid “reconnection” time: Lunch visits, early pick-ups, or phased-in transitions could be encouraged without stigma.

Guilt thrives in isolation—but with more thoughtful workplace design and a community approach to caregiving, that guilt can be softened. Because it’s not about removing ambition—it’s about making space for both love and livelihood.

Sign-Off: Support Without Guilt

At Sanggol, we believe empowering parents goes beyond pregnancy. Supporting mums (and dads) as they return to work, rebuild identity, and balance growth and care—that’s where real comfort lies. Because being a parent shouldn’t mean you have to sacrifice who you are.

#WorkingMums #FlexibleWorking #Parenthood #SanggolComfort